"Should I move in with my boyfriend if he's unsure about kids?"

Baby's first advice column

A couple of weeks ago, I got a note from a woman who recently listened to my chat on the podcast Oversharing. In that episode, I discussed how one of the reasons why I ended the relationship I was in during the pandemic was because we were on different pages about having children. She finds herself in a similar situation, and asked if I had any advice about handling that kind of misalignment. She writes:

“I turn 30 this month, he is in his early 30s. We’ve been dating for two years. I think our relationship is great, and he’s made my life significantly happier, but our visions for the future are very different. I feel ready to settle down and have kids in the next 2-4 years, and he wants to do a lot more traveling, move to a new city, be spontaneous before even thinking about kids. We both would like to move in together soon, but I’ve been hesitant to make the move because it feels close to marriage. I always thought I wouldn’t marry someone unless we were on the same page about kids, but he feels like kids are something to decide on later after we’ve had some years together as just us. And if we got to the point where we were too old to have biological kids, that wouldn’t be the end of the world to him.

He’s always been kind and respectful when we talk about this topic but is also honest that he really does not want kids any time soon, and he’s not sure when he will feel ready. I feel conflicted because I really love him and our life together, but I have alway wanted to be a parent and build a family, and it feels like I’m just waiting to see when or if he feels the same way.”*

I really try not to give advice, because everyone’s situation is different. But since this woman asked me for it, here goes:

The last sentence in your letter is very telling — you say that you are waiting to see when or if he feels the same way as you do about being a parent and building a family. The thing is, he’s already given you his answer. He doesn’t want children right now. Having children is not a priority in his life. He doesn’t want to be a parent enough to plan for it in any meaningful way. If you both got too old to have biological children, he wouldn’t care. And, what’s more, from the context of your letter, he doesn’t seem to want to compromise on this. Yes, he’s respectful of your opinion whenever you’ve brought this conversation up. But there doesn’t appear to be any meeting in the middle on his end — no timeline, no “let’s discuss this again after we’ve lived together a year,” no nothing.

And let me be crystal clear: This doesn’t make him a bad guy. People are allowed to feel however they feel about having children. In fact, I think that more people who are apathetic about being parents should opt out of it all together — we’d have a lot less people in therapy.

What it does make him, however, is someone whose future plans seem incompatible with what you’ve described as your future plans. You know what you want: children in two to four years, to settle down, to eventually get married. He knows what he wants: to travel, be spontaneous, and kick the child can down the road until he wakes up one day and decides he wants to be a father. But he can’t promise that day will ever come. Do you see what I’m saying here?

He seems perfectly fine with moving forward with his life without making room for your desire to have children in the next few years. So why are you so willing to put YOUR desires on a shelf in order to follow him down this path and see if he changes his mind? You have the answer that you want from him. If you’re waiting to see if he changes his mind in two years when you’re hoping to get pregnant, I think you’re just delaying the inevitable.

What I have found is that, most of the time, men who are apathetic about children rarely change their mind in the relationship they’re currently in. I’ve only see their circumstances shift in a current relationship if that partner cajoles them into having children. And do you really want that? Do you want to have kids with a guy who doesn’t really seem to want them with you? Do you want to badger your partner into committing to something incredibly permanent before he’s ready? Do you truly want to put off your pregnancy journey for longer and longer, during a time where (thanks, biology) it’s important for you to start making smart moves about your health if you want to have children eventually?

Of course he doesn’t mind if you both reach an age where biologically you can’t have children — that won’t happen for him for decades. For you, unfortunately, that deadline approaches faster. And if this is something that you want, now isn’t the time to be ho-humming over a man who doesn’t seem primed to change his mind. You wouldn’t stick around in a dead-end job if you felt there was no opportunity for career growth, would you? So why are we all so willing to stay in relationships that don’t align with the futures that we want?

I don’t want to be a cautionary tale, and I’m not here to scare anybody, but I truly wish I had been more proactive about this when I was in my early 30s. I wish I’d frozen my eggs, or gone through hormonal testing, or broken up with my boyfriend who didn’t want kids a year earlier than I did. I wish I’d centered myself in my future planning instead of a relationship that wasn’t giving me what I wanted. My husband and I would be in a completely different situation right now if I’d just had the confidence to put myself first in the past.

I’m not going to tell you to break up with this guy. But I am going to say that you owe it to yourself to interrogate whether or not you already know what you should do, deep down in your guts. I want you, and everyone reading this, to stop bending and bargaining because you want to stay in a relationship. Compromise is important, yes. But compromise, by definition, requires two people meeting in the middle. So often we misconstrue it to mean ONE person needing to bend to the other’s will. That isn’t compromise — that’s putting your heart and happiness in a compromising position.

Here’s the other thing: You don’t have to stay in a relationship, even if it generally “good.” I think we all have internalized the idea that, if a relationship isn’t tumultuous, or filled with arguing, or bad in any way, we should stay. That is ridiculous. If you guys are happy, but you aren’t on the same page about your futures, that is an incredibly valid reason to walk away. It will likely be painful, because there are still feelings there — I won’t deny that. But children is one of those pieces of a relationship that is so important to be aligned on that, to me, it’s a dealbreaker. It sounds like it might be a dealbreaker for you, too.

I want you to take some time to consider these two questions: If you stayed in this relationship, and you never had children, how would that make that feel? If you left this relationship, were single for a bit, and then met someone who was on the same page with you about having children, how would that feel?

Because I can promise you this: Someone else is out there with whom you will have a great relationship. Someone else is out there who will make your life happier. Someone who actually wants children on the timeline you do.

All I ask is that you remember that your desire to be a parent isn’t something small that you should shove away to be with someone. It’s an important metric of compatibility. I often believe that women will break up with a man for playing video games too much, but think that prioritizing their desire to be a mother is too crazy of a reason to walk away. I promise you that it isn’t. You deserve to have the life you want, just like he does. And if those two visions of the future don’t seem to intermingle, then I think you already have the answer you’re looking for.

*Letter edited for length and clarity.