PSA: Break up with that man!

I'm telling you!!!

A peek behind the curtain: I have been trying to figure out a way into this topic for weeks. Months even! I had absolutely no idea how to do it without sounding like a preachy, know-it-all woman three months away from getting married. But then a woman wrote into Emily Gould’s Going Through It column for The Cut asking if it was unreasonable that she’s upset that her boyfriend of two years still shares a bed with his ex. (Pause for screaming.) And here it was, offered on a silver platter, an incredibly obvious answer to a question that allowed me the opportunity to say the thing I have been dying to say: PLEASE DUMP THAT GUY WHO IS MAKING YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR INCREDIBLY VALID FEELINGS ARE OVERDRAMATIC.

When I was writing my dating column, I had an interview with a relationship coach about mixed signals. Since I was in the thick of my 20-something Upper East Side dating frenzy, I wanted to ask her exactly how I would know whether or not a guy liked me. If he liked all of my Instagram posts, did that mean something? If he texted me first, was that an indication that he was into me? I was like a dog with a bone — I needed to uncover the list of clues and figure out the exact way to decipher them to figure out whether or not a man actually wanted to date me.

“No, you don’t understand,” she said with a chuckle. “When they actually like you, you won’t be asking any of these questions. You won’t have to.”

I paused, confused. “Can you elaborate?” I asked, trying to maintain a scrap of professionalism. “Like, what does that mean?!”

“When they like you they will show you,” she said. “It will be very clear. You’re not going to be confused. I promise you.”

I am not a religious person, but this was the closest thing to enlightenment I have ever experienced. After we hung up, I looked back on *all* of the situationships and relationships I had ever been in, and realized how true it was. When people really dig you, there is no question that they do. It is incredibly obvious. All of the times I was questioning men’s behavior, it wasn’t because they liked me and didn’t know how to show it. It was because they didn’t like me, and I had been brainwashed to think their mixed signals meant they did.

I *still* get tagged in memes of the tweet I sent out about my epiphany — and I wrote it way the hell back in 2017! I’m not even on Elon Musk’s Twitter anymore!!

That conditioning starts early. Need I remind you of the time that boy was mean to you on the playground, and when you (naturally) got upset, an adult told you that it was because he *liked* you? Shall I pull up the long list of “bad boys” we were convinced were dreamy thanks to sitcom TV and tween dramedies — the ones who treated us like shit but then changed because they loved us. (I was that girl in college reading Twilight, I can’t lie!!) But the problem is, in real life, the switch never comes. The guy who is treating you poorly rarely, if ever, turns his act around and suddenly starts acting like a human because he realized how incredible you are. But we keep hanging around and hoping that he does, because we have been lead to believe that he will.

What has been a more recent realization, however, is how pervasive the idea of “sticking it out” is — how it hangs around and follows you past the “what are we” phase into “serious relationship” territory. How it metastasizes and grows. How we collect and count the minor moments of male partners validating our feelings and changing their behavior for a few days, holding up the bare minimum as irrefutable evidence that he cares. How, when he inevitably slips back into his old habits, that small moment of “change” is used to paper over a mountain of horrible behavior. Because he did change, right? Even just momentarily? Just like we were promised?

And listen!! I am ALL FOR giving people the space and room to adapt and change. That is an incredibly healthy part of any relationship. You can’t just cut people off at the first sign of turmoil. (I wouldn’t be getting married if that were the case!) But when those moments of disagreements happen, there needs to be evidence of work, evidence of change, and a true WILLINGNESS to change. There needs to be a coming together, and there should be no moment in which you’re feeling that you’re dragging your partner to be better to you and the relationship. That is true partnership, and you aren’t nagging or crazy or unreasonable for expecting it!

In fact you are OWED that acknowledgement and adjustment, because that is evidence of love. And you do not deserve anything less than a partner who will put in the work, who will turn towards you during disagreements instead of turning away, invalidating your feelings, and leaving you on an island to be confused and to question “is this what love is supposed to feel like?”

It isn’t! It never has to be!! And allow me to share something I know in my bones because I have experienced it firsthand, more times than I care to admit: If you untether yourself from that situation that has you questioning everything, incredible things will rush to fill that space it will leave behind. You don’t need to fear it. That space will now be open for a partner who will treat you like a human, and validate your feelings, and never, ever make you question how much they like or love you. (They exist!!! I promise!!) Or you will discover how much better it is to be blissfully untethered, to have the time and space to get to know yourself, to be gorgeously selfish, and to hold yourself close because you are all that you need.

I have lived both realities, and I am here to tell you that either is infinitely better than staying with a partner who makes you feel crazy, or diminished, or like your incredibly valid feelings are somehow wrong. Dump the guy who needs mothering, who makes promises and doesn’t follow through, who keeps you at arm’s length, who expects you to place your wishes on a shelf and give your resources to him and his wishes.

Three years ago, peaceful and happy in my own place, after cutting and running.

And it isn’t your fault that you keep getting caught in this loop. If you are a woman who is looking to be in a relationship with a man, you are fed a scarcity mindset. I can’t tell you how many times I was told that New York was a hard place to date, that women outnumbered men, that I should go on second, third, fourth dates with men whom I felt lukewarm about because “Maybe your feelings will change” and I was, after all, in my 30s. (The HORROR.)

So when a mediocre man would hang around the margins of my life for long enough and throw me scraps of attention, I clung on with both hands and justified his behavior by repeating the mantras that I’d been taught since childhood, that were passed down by generations of other women: He’s just acting like this because he *really* likes you; He’s probably just really confused right now; Men mature more slowly than women, and so he probably just needs a little time and patience.

Enough! Enough!! Enough for the women who are single and confused by why someone won’t call them back. Enough for the women in relationships with men who are still sharing a bed with their ex and telling them they’re crazy for having a problem with it. Enough.

Look, I’m not fully aligned with the way that Tiktok has warped the “decentering men” conversation into evidence that women should no longer date them, full stop. That’s unrealistic. There are so many women out there who date men, are attracted to men, and want to live their lives alongside male partners. I am one of them!! I love my fiancé!! Good men exist!! That is okay!!!

But I do agree with the main thrust of the original pitch for decentering men: That is, if you are a woman who dates them, remove them from your decision making. Don’t force yourself out the door on a night when you want to stay in on the off-chance that that love of your life is at a bar around the corner. (He ain’t!!) Don’t not move to your dream city because some guy you love won’t even consider taking the leap with you. Don’t stay in a relationship that is making you feel crazy, or not sexy, or like you are all alone because you’re worried that this is the last man who will ever love you. Don’t hang out with someone who you have to badger to spend time with you because you’re afraid that being alone is worse.

It isn’t — not permanently. Extricating yourself from a relationship, no matter how unhappy you are, is hard, sure. You will cry. You will feel like you’re never, ever going to fall in love again. You will consider calling him. You’ll download Tinder, go out on a date, sleep with someone you don’t even like, and then feel like garbage the next day. This all happens! It’s the breakup spiral. I’ve been deep in it many times.

But then, one day, you will wake up in your own apartment that you decorated all by yourself, and you’ll make yourself coffee in your tiny kitchen, and you’ll sit on your couch and marvel at the stillness and the quiet and the beauty of everything you have created without a man in your life. That is the alternative that is waiting for you if you leave that man who is making you feel like absolute shit right now. You won’t be confused. You’ll have clarity, because you chose yourself. You love yourself. And that isn’t confusing at all.

It turns out that the epiphany I had seven years ago is still mostly true, save for a few addendums: If they like you, you will know, because their actions will show it in abundance. If they love you, they will never make you feel confused about where they stand. And if they don’t, they will keep you on a string, give you just enough good to keep you around, but never invest fully. And that will confuse you.

Don’t let it. Don’t let him do it. Leave. Cut and run. Leave that space open for someone who will treat you the way you want to, and in the meantime, start building the life YOU want for yourself. Whether you wind up blissfully happy in an equitable relationship, or blissfully happy having realized how much you love and value your independence, you will have gotten there because you listened to yourself and nobody else.

What a gift.