Please disregard everything I've ever written about love, thank you
And do accept this lentil soup recipe as my formal apology
I feel like I owe a lot of my readers an apology. Or, at least, the ones who have been with me since around 2017. And, probably, myself at 25. I owe her an apology, too.
Let me back up.
I recently got a comment on my newsletter about how brave I was for having conversations about marriage and children in my relationship so early on. Actually, the comment categorized it as “too” early on. And for a second I got embarrassed. The old feeling of being a relationship-obsessed, insecure girl looking for love came bubbling right back up to the surface.
But then I remembered that I was a 32-year-old adult in a relationship with a 37-year-old adult who was on the same page as me, and that there weren’t rules. And so instead, I started feeling embarrassed over the fact that I’d spent so much time in my life trying to decipher clues and red flags so publicly on the internet, only to discover what people had been telling me from the time that I was a teenager: That none of it matters when things are right.
Ben and I recently had dinner at the home of one of my best friends Lo and her husband Alex. While Ben and Alex sat in the living room discussing whatever it is that men whose partners are best friends discuss, I “helped” Lo with dinner in the kitchen. (AKA I just watched her plate our roast pork while I drank wine.)
We talked about a lot, but I remember telling her that I’d recently come to the realization that I spent so much time worrying about relationships for nothing. I would go on long, meandering walks, thinking through scenarios where I never fell in love. What would my life look like? Could I be happy being without a partner forever? I had actually gotten to a point where I’d accepted that I’d never be in a relationship, and had started creating a life for myself that centered just me and what I wanted.
Of course, that’s when I met Ben.
I take no pleasure in admitting that people were right and that all of my hand wringing was wrong. It brings me to joy to sit here and say that all of the questions I had about love were in search of the wrong answer. It makes it doubly hard because, although I am perfectly fine with sharing my despair with the internet, it makes me uncomfortable to share my happiness. (See: my newsletter from two weeks ago.)
And the thing that makes it all seem even more futile is that I know what it’s like to feel complete despair over loneliness. I know how it feels to see a couple holding hands lovingly on the subway and wonder how many Sundays until you’re on the subway with your fingers intertwined with someone else’s. I know how it feels to spend a birthday alone, and to feel pretty good about it, but for there to be a little voice in the back of your head that daydreams about spending it with someone you’re building a life with. It’s an awkward, alienating, completely lonely experience that is also somehow universal, and the last thing you want is some bitch on the internet who is in a happy relationship of less than one year to tell you that it will all work out, and that it will happen when you least expect it.
But I also feel like I’ve got to be that bitch. Because, unlike a lot of those bitches, I’ve been there. And I want to tell you that everything everyone says is true. Well, not everything. Some of it is wrong. But here is one true thing: People who want serious relationships and marriage and children (or any combination of the three) don’t stay single forever. It’s just not the way I’ve experienced love to function, and not just in regards to this relationship I find myself in now. When I look around at the people in my life, all those who wanted love found it. It’s just how it works out. I can’t explain it. That’s just how it is.
So, please, disregard anything I’ve ever written about love and how to find it. There is no secret formula to it. It will be painful. But it’s just how it is. All you can do is leave a little space in your life for that love to enter, and never feel ashamed about wanting it. Do the things you want to do and stop worrying about how love will find you. I promise it will come, even if you don’t believe it will all the time. I promise it will come.
In the meantime, please accept this lentil soup as my formal apology. It’s simple, and rich, and feels comforting on a super cold day. Plus, it freezes like a dream, so if you don’t have someone to split it with yet, you can pop it in the freezer and defrost it when you do. Consider it a little insurance policy, or a little mason jar of hope.
Here’s what’s cooking
Lentil Soup Grandma Margie
INGREDIENTS
2 packages of dried lentils
2 carrots, diced
2 ribs of celery, diced
1 medium onion, diced
1 packaged frozen chopped spinach
1 potato, peeled and diced small
1/4 cup good olive oil
INSTRUCTIONS
Throw your lentils into a strainer and check through them, removing any stems or other debris. Rinse well.
Put lentils in a large, cold, heavy-bottomed pot. Add water, covering the lentils with about two inches of water. Bring to a boil over medium-high heat.
Add all the vegetables, plus salt and pepper to taste. Stir well and bring to a soft boil.
Cook over medium heat for about 20-30 minutes, or until the lentils and vegetables are soft. You may need to add another cup of water as it cooks, especially if you like a soupier consistency. (I like this a little thick.) Just keep an eye on it.
When cooked, remove from heat and drizzle 1/4 cup olive oil over the soup. Stir in well and serve hot.
NOTES
This soup is delicious with just the lentils, but if you love some pasta, you can add 1-2 cups of small pasta (like tubettini) to the soup. Just throw it in according to the pasta’s cooking instructions. (So if it takes 10 minutes to cook, throw it in 10 minutes before your soup is done cooking.)
Maria, I've been following your writing for years and this is my single favorite thing you've ever written. I related so much in your R29 days about the longing and the search and the trying to figure out "what was wrong" and "why wasn't it working?" i am still single lol but i will say i think that that doubt and hypervigilence is a necessary part in developing the faith you talk about here. this essay this week was a balm to my soul and I sent it to every single gal i know. thank you for your words and for being you... In all the phases of your life.
Once again, you've made me cry reading your newsletter, Maria. (I mean that in the best way possible.) This is exactly what I needed to hear right now. I just feel seen while feeling lonely and a bit hopeless, but happy for the love you've found. Thank you.