I turned 34 on Friday, and celebrated with a 90-minute massage (alone) and an incredible 18-course omakase dinner at this little hole in the wall in Park Slope, Brooklyn (with Benno). He also designed me a brand-new banner and logo!! Aren’t they cute?! Look at me, reinventing myself at 34!
This birthday was a little hazy for a few different reasons, but although they feel less and less exciting the older I get, I really do love birthdays. (Even though my days of throwing myself huge parties are, happily, far behind me.) I love birthdays because they serve as a neat little mile marker — a chronological stake in the ground that you can peer back from and see how far you’ve come. And as someone who feels particularly committed to growth, this is important to me.
I’ve gained a lot of new subscribers to this little newsletter since my last birthday post, so allow me a brief introduction. Every year, I like to make a little list of the lessons I’ve picked up — and the ones I’m still learning. They can be profound or silly, small or huge. They just need to be something I’m ~realizing~.
But before I do that, allow me a little schmaltz. A couple of months back I sat at my kitchen table and told Ben that I was tired of trying to fit myself into small boxes, and that I just wanted to get back to writing for myself. And you guys rose up to meet me. This little community has really expanded since that shift, and the love and support you give me and my writing is so incredible. Truly. I think about it every single day. So thank you for following along. Thank you for supporting my writing (whether you’ve been here years or weeks). And thank you for the kindness. I remember it every single time I get nervous about sending a newsletter out.
Okay, enough of that gush! On to the list!
Always keep a jar of frozen tomato sauce in your fridge. It’s the easiest way to ensure you can always pull dinner together, even after the longest day.
You are never going to want to spend as much time on your hair as you will have to if you cut it into that trendy bob. The only reason it looks good on Hailey Bieber is because she has a glam squad that comes to her house to do it for her while she naps in the chair.
If you aren’t using sunscreen, you may as well throw out all of the fancy anti-aging serums and creams that you own. Every day. Even when it’s cloudy out.
Keep a glass of water by your bed at night. Drink the whole thing before you get out of bed in the morning. Start your day with water, not coffee, and you’ll be amazed how quickly those headaches you can’t seem to diagnose magically disappear.
The right person will embrace and adore every part of you — even the parts you felt like you needed to hide from past partners.
It’s important to move every day to feel good, but that doesn’t mean you have to punish yourself in a gym. Go for long walks. Get a bike if your budget allows. Toss your arms over your head and stretch every morning. Anything that makes you feel good is correct.
Friendships evolve as you all get older. It’s unlikely you will see your friends every weekend like you did in your 20s once you have partners, and kids, and middle-management jobs. Treasure the time you do have together instead of fretting over the time you don’t.
Listen to your daylist on Spotify. It knows you better than you know yourself.
Social media was made to make you feel bad about yourself. Nobody is as organized, as wealthy, or as confident as they appear on Instagram. Remember that as you scroll, and limit the amount of time you spend in that digital reality. We weren’t made to consume all of that information all at once. Put down the phone and do something else with your hands.
It is scary to realize that the people who raised you are not super-human and are just as flawed as you are. But it can also be oddly freeing, and once you accept this reality, you’ll likely find that the need to blame is suddenly not as strong.
If you’re feeling stressed, or angry, or anxious, or out-of-control, sit somewhere quiet, have a glass of water and a snack, and see how you feel in 20 minutes.
Burn the good candles. Wear the “special occasion” shoes. Stop waiting for the big moments and, instead, make the small moments huge.
If you’re too stoned, dial 202-TOO-HIGH and listen to the soothing dulcet tones of Adam Pally. (Thanks, Gossamer.)
Don’t spend a lot of money on wine glasses. If the dinner party is good, one will inevitably break. These ones are cheap, chic, and look like you stole them from a Parisian bistro.
Relatedly, mismatched glassware and dishes is chic, not tacky. And a white sheet doubles as a tablecloth in a pinch.
Fill your home with things that you love and that make you happy. Stop worrying about adhering to a certain “aesthetic” or “vibe.” Just buy the things you love and put them together in a glorious little hodgepodge. That’s good taste.
It’s important to be informed, but sometimes we all need a break from the news. The world is deeply flawed, but you can’t fix it by being plugged in 24/7. Go touch grass. Go for a walk. Leave your phone at home.
Alone time is harder to come by once you’re older and in a relationship. If you’re young, embrace the time to yourself now. Just sit on the couch. Read a book. Take yourself to dinner. Travel alone. You’ll miss those moments when they’re gone, trust me.
If you’re in a relationship, it’s important to carve out alone time, too. Ask your partner to leave the apartment for an afternoon. Or book yourself in at a chic hotel, if you can afford it, and order room service. Or just go for a walk alone! Find the pockets to just be with yourself, and you’ll have a lot more to offer your partner when you’re together.
Stop spending tons of money on bottles of multi-purpose cleaner. Just mix 2 1/2 cups of water with 1/4 cup vinegar and a drop or two of dish soap in a spray bottle. It will get you through most messes.
Tell the people you love how much they mean to you now, and often, because one day you won’t be able to anymore, and you’ll wish you’d said it 1,000 more times.
The best way to reheat pizza is in a cast-iron skillet with a little oil and a little water.
You can never go wrong with red, whether it’s lipstick, nail polish, a sweater, or a pair of Mary Janes.
Water your plants less often than you think you should.
Stop trying to get yourself to like the “cool” parts of culture that people hold up as markers of good taste and just dive headfirst into the nerdy shit that you love. Is your idea of a good time listening to ‘90s synth pop while watching some 22-year-old on YouTube make incredibly elaborate homes on The Sims? Amazing. Do that more often.
Don’t be afraid to fuck up, or say the wrong thing, or seem out of the loop. The fear of fucking up is often more painful than the actual act of fucking up. If you take a wrong step, smile, apologize if anyone was offended, and crack a joke at your own expense. All will be well.
Relatedly, get better at laughing at yourself. It’s deeply unpleasant to take yourself so seriously. Most people are balls of awkwardness and embarrassment. Embracing your less-than-precise moments and learning to laugh at them gives other people permission to do that, too.
Stop measuring your life by other people’s timelines of success. Just because the author your adore is only a year older than you and has published three “real” books while you have published exactly two gift books and zero novels, that doesn’t mean you’re doomed to never publish a book. Nobody’s success has anything to do with you.
What you consider success will change as you start to achieve it, especially if you’re an ambitious person. Instead of never being wholly satisfied with where you are, remember to stop, breathe, and be grateful for something every single day.
If you’re over the age of 25, your neck and chest should be part of your skincare routine.
Eat more herbs. Chop up parsley and dill for a salad. Slice up a little basil and toss it into a lemonade. Don’t just use these them for garnish — they can make basically anything you put them in taste so much better.
It is always better to tell your partner how you’re feeling, even if you think it will scare them away. If they’ve got staying power, your feelings will never be too big for them to hear.
Silk pillowcases are elite. They’re always 5 degrees cooler than cotton, keep your hair and skin happy, and make you feel like a luxurious lady when you sleep.
Know that life is ever-changing. You have no idea what is in store for you — next week, next year, 10 years from now. The job I have now didn’t exist five years ago. I thought I’d get married at 28 and have two children by now. I never thought I’d go to Paris once, let alone four separate times. Stop trying to muscle your life. You are less of a director and more of an audience member. Take a deep breath, let go, and go for the ride. You’re further along in it than you think, but it’s never too late to change how you enjoy it.
"Tell the people you love how much they mean to you now, and often, because one day you won’t be able to anymore, and you’ll wish you’d said it 1,000 more times." Yes. So much yes. Happy belated!