A few days ago, I logged in to Zoom for a meeting at work at 11 AM, said hello to the faces looking back at me, and realized it was the first time I’d spoken to someone all day. I’ve been alone in the apartment since Monday evening (Ben is in LA and our dog, Edie, is with her moms) and have used the opportunity as a practice in finding a little bit of quiet. And let me tell you — it’s not always easy.
I don’t know about you, but I am rarely, if ever, bored. I mean truly bored — mind empty, no distractions, no noises. Just you and your thoughts wrapping around themselves. In most situations, I have some kind of stimuli following me around like a cloud of white noise. The podcast buzzing in my headphones as I clean the stove after dinner. Real Housewives of New York blasting out of my laptop while I put on my makeup. Instagram, TikTok, Pinterest all queued up on my phone’s home screen while I wait for the G train. If there is an opportunity for me to embrace a little quiet, to do one thing without adding on a second, to sit with my thoughts for the tiniest bit of time, you can be sure that I will blunt it with an audiobook or some trash reality TV.
Now, I could have a field day parsing exactly why I have this instinct to constantly be filling my mind with static when I could be embracing the space that quiet affords me. Suffice to say, when I was younger, and unhappier, I was afraid of the journeys that my mind would take me on. I needed the static to distract me from the creep I’d feel and help me fall asleep at night.
But now that I’m older, I find myself continually reaching for this stimuli as a way to relax. Except it doesn’t work anymore. Instead, I am drained after peering in on other people’s lives, trying to keep up with the topics and the culture and the news that feels important to know. I really do think that getting older is realizing what you can give yourself to and what you need to protect yourself from. And a big theme for me at the moment is considering myself first.
So I’ve taken this week of aloneness to conduct my own little retreat, a step back from my “normal” life and an invitation to focus on myself. And I’ve *really* taken to it. I’ve been listening to records, and drinking a lot of black coffee, and wafting around the apartment in various robes and house coats. (Do we want a newsletter on my favorite pieces of vintage loungewear? Let me know in the comments because I have…a lot!) I’ve made a couple of plans, canceled a few, too, and taken myself out to lunch. Today is supposed to be gorgeous weather, so I plan to pack myself a little picnic and spend some time in the park. But mostly, I’ve been trying to examine the space that the quiet affords me, and watch the journey that my mind takes when it’s not being distracted.
And it’s been working. Within that quiet space I’ve started considering the next six months, what I want it to look like in all aspects of my life. I’ve jotted down notes for a few stories I want to pitch. I’ve made plans for this newsletter. And interestingly, that mental work isn’t exhausting. It’s not some box I need to check off. The thoughts that have bubbled up to fill that quiet, empty space have actually been energizing, and exciting, and clarifying.
And they’ve been delicious. On my walk this past Wednesday, I popped into the farmer’s market and realized it was FINALLY ramp season. So I bought two bunches, and later that afternoon I whipped one of the bunches into ramp butter. The next night, I was laying on my couch after work — no music, no podcast, just me and a glass of wine — and remembered I had shrimp in the fridge. What if I made some shrimp scampi with the ramp butter?
So I did. And I took my time, and cooked with just a little piano music in the background, and thought about my career, and the writing I wanted to do, and the midcentury modern home by the beach I wanted us to live in, and whether or not the flowers I chose for my wedding were tacky. And when I sat down to eat, I kept the music on, but really took the time to savor what I had made — to really taste it, and consider what tweaks I would make, and appreciate the fact that I had done this for myself.
And the scampi was really good.
I’m still trying to find ways of tuning into my thoughts instead of filling the emptiness with white noise. And it’s hard! A constant work in progress! But I’m curious to hear what you do when you need to decompress. Share your tips in the comments below, and please accept this scampi recipe as a preemptive thank-you. I’m serious. It’s really fucking good.
Shrimp Scampi with Ramp Butter
Ingredients
For the ramp butter
1 bunch of ramps (12-15 leaves and bulbs)
1/2 pounds good butter (I like Kerrygold for compound butters)
The juice and zest of 1 lemon
Salt and pepper, to taste
For the scampi
1/2 pound shrimp
3 tablespoons of ramp butter
2 tablespoons good olive oil
4 garlic cloves, grated
1/2 cup dry white wine (can also sub in chicken broth if you’re booze-free!)
Pinch of red pepper flakes
Salt and pepper, to taste
1/2 pound of your favorite pasta
Lemon juice, to taste
Chopped parsley, for garnish.
Instructions
Make the ramp butter: First, bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. As its heating, snip the roots off the bulbs of your ramps and peel off any papery, translucent skin. Fill a large bowl with ice water. Blanche the ramps in the boiling water for 30 seconds, and then plunge into the ice water to stop the cooking process. Once cool, remove the leaves, roll them in a paper towel, and squeeze out as much liquid as possible. (You may need to lay the leaves out for a few minutes to allow them to try as much as possible.)
Once dry, roughly chop the ramp leaves and throw them into the bowl of a food processor with the butter, lemon juice, lemon zest, and a little salt and pepper. Pulse until smooth, scraping down the sides as needed and adjusting your salt and pepper to taste. NOTE: This makes more ramp butter than you need for the recipe! I like to save my excess by rolling it into little logs using parchment paper or plastic wrap and then popping them into the fridge.
Make the scampi: Put a pot of salty water on the stove and bring it to a boil. Cook your pasta two minutes shy of its al dente cook time. Drain, saving at least two cups of the pasta water.
In a large skillet, melt the ramp butter with the olive oil. Add your garlic and red pepper flakes and sauté for about a minute, until fragrant. Add the wine, a pinch of salt, a few cracks of black pepper, and bring to a simmer.
Once the mixture is reduced to about half (about 5 minutes), add your shrimp and sauté until opaque (no more than 5 minutes), taking the time to baste the shrimp as they cook. Remove the shrimp from the pan, toss in your cooked pasta and a few splashes of pasta water and stir until coated. You may need to add in some more pasta water to loosen the sauce until its gorgeous and glossy. Toss in the cooked shrimp, top with parsley and lemon juice, and serve with a good glass of red wine.
Great read! And so much needed in my current state. Thank you!